Straight talk in the Church

 

A few years ago, I met with two other senior church leaders to have a straight talk with another senior church leader. He had deliberately made his way through a loophole to get what he wanted, and that was disturbing his church. Having started with a general conversation, we moved on to say that we needed to have a heart-to-heart, straight talk with him on the above-mentioned After five minutes, he moved out, saying, "I have another engagement."

It seems like one of the dysfunctions in churches revolves around the topic of "hard conversations". Especially we who are pastors have a shepherd's heart, and we do not enjoy difficult conversations. We dread them. They can give us "sleepless nights and knots in our stomachs", which are hard to explain.

We are expected to be diplomatic and kind. We are called to extend God’s grace and forgiveness to others. But when it comes to correction, rebuke, or confrontation, to say it’s uncomfortable is a massive understatement. The bottom line is that we avoid it at all costs.

By trying not to upset people, we might make huge waves. Our attempt to avoid conflict might end up creating more conflict. What irony! I wish we had some user-friendly buttons to press when handling these conversations. Having courageous conversations is messy, but not having them might end up making things even more messy.

Do this mean that we must have a free pass to become harsh and unkind to people through straight talk? Not at all. I do confess that this is an area where I need to be extremely careful. Some have told me that the "tone’ in which I speak or write letters is upsetting them. I do admit that I must sharpen my skills in the Christian teaching of "Speak the truth in love". 

When doing straight talk we have to preserve the ingredience of empathetic listening so that the other also feels heard. However, let me also say this: in the process of the conversation, we can get overwhelmed with "love" and end up discovering that the "truth" has fallen by the wayside. This is what we mostly see happening in the church today.

Susan Scott, the communications expert and author of Fierce Conversations, talks about "too many pillows" that we use, which could be a blunder when attempting to have courageous conversations or straight talk. By doing this, we soften the message and reduce its impact. "The trouble is, sometimes we put so many pillows around a message that the message gets lost altogether."

It is a reality in church life that there are so many unresolved issues because we lack the courage to talk straight on matters that are imperative in the sight of God. Some aggrieved people have not received justice and fair play from the church. When an offended victim, due to the actions of someone in the church, approaches the leaders, they have experienced the lethargy and the unwillingness to deal with them through straight talk with the offenders.

Straight talk in the church has several benefits if we use it correctly. Consider these: If the people under your care have failed in specific ways, they deserve to know it. If you do not move on to straight talk with them, they will repeat their mistake with the assumption that what they do is right. Straight talks could be a release valve for frustrations within you and others. When you dare to have hard conversations, people will get the message that "we deal with problems, we don’t ignore them." It makes a huge difference.

Can the church take up the challenge of becoming a role model of straight talk? How we handle them will demonstrate that we are mature followers of Christ who can sit down and work through our hard conversations with grace and truth. The wise sage Solomon writes, In the end, people appreciate honest criticism far more than flattery. Proverbs 28:23 (NLT)

Rev. Asiri P. Perera
Retired President Bishop
Methodist Church Sri Lanka

September 12, 2023

 

 

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